A small Greek Island on the outskirts of the Dodecanese is bathed in the light of the moon and all the madness it brings. I pour Ouzo onto ice and watch boats drift around the Katsedia bay as people from surrounding islands trickle in to Lipsi for the full moon celebrations.
The night goes on like any other- debauchery and hedonism on the beachside, true Greek Dionysiac celebration. Raki, ouzo and rum flow freely, people dance with conviction to terrible Greek reggae, Abby passes out on the beach…
All night I keep catching the eye of a man who looks like a Disney prince. He’s handsome as fuck and has this clichéd mysterious aura about him. The whole night he’s on the side-lines, sipping red wine and observing the fun taking place before him. Instead of recognising him as a disdainful voyeur, I preferred to assume his stand-offish manner was perhaps the result of deep philosophical contemplation… or something sexy like that.
Towards the end of the evening I walk out onto the beach to wake Abby up from her marijuana- induced nap and as we walk back to the bar, we notice the gorgeous man sitting reflectively at a small table. He stops us and invites us to sit with him. We quickly learn that he’s Austrian, Viennese specifically, and a shockingly pretentious human being. The conversation starts off with the usual small talk. Upon learning that the man is from Austria, Abby remarks excitedly,
“Ah, the place of The Sound of Music!”
“What is this?” He asks, perplexed.
“Uh, it’s a beautiful, classic musical about a family in Austria.”
“I have not seen this film. I do not think I would enjoy it and I doubt its cultural relevance,” he sneers.
Minutes later, God only knows how things escalated to this point but, he is trying to convince Abby and I of how much we want to kiss each other and that we should all try a three-way kiss. Abby and I agree that we definitely don’t want our tongues to touch ever but thank him for the suggestion. We do, however, suggest a swim to enjoy the last minutes of the night as it fades into dawn, so the three of us finish our wine and stumble onto the beach.
Abby and I begin to carefully hang our clothes on a tree, meanwhile, before anybody can say penis, the Austrian is proudly gliding into the Aegean Sea, stark naked, dick a-swinging in all its stallion glory. His clothes must have evaporated. It is not explicable by the laws of physics for a human to get naked as quickly as he did. The Sudden Disappearance of the Austrian’s Clothes remains an unsolved mystery to this day.
“Wow ok you’re really just going for it then” Abby remarks in her Australian twang.
“Come on girls, you’ve got to take all zee cloze off!,” he encourages, while flashing us his supple, muscular man butt, the freezing water embracing him and showing no visible physical symptoms.
At this point I’m deeply regretting having chosen to don a g-string for the evening and as I prance into the sea the naked Austrian insists on marvelling at my bare pale ass.
“Ohr my goodnez! Zat is a beautiful bottom zyou have!”
Ah Jesus. This guy, Abby and I telepathically communicate to one another through eye rolling.
I dive into the water and swim off as fast as I can.
When I look back on the situation behind me I witness an absurd scene of the Austrian swimming after Abby up and down the shore, teasingly exclaiming “ah zyou want to play catcheez?” Abby’s Australian up-bringing has ingrained a fear of sharks in her so she cannot venture any deeper for fear of the Mediterranean’s phantom sharks and is doomed to paddling horizontally where the water doesn’t get deeper than two feet with a handsome idiot hot on her tracks.
After enough frolicking we make it back on to the beach. Clothes still nowhere to be seen, possibly suspended in a dimension where time and space cease to exist; the Austrian walks right over to where Abby and I have neatly hung our clothes, grabs Abby’s floral jumpsuit and proceeds to dry his dick and balls with it.
“Wow thanks,” she remarks as he hands her the damp remnants.
My bra is soaked and dripping furiously so I take it off before putting my dress back on and am now condemned to carrying the very conspicuous red piece of lace with me for the rest of this encounter. We decide to walk up to Calypso’s hill for sunrise- a very appropriate seeming location, supposedly being the place where the Greek mythological nymph keeps Odysseus as her sex slave.
After an exhausting climb we watch a beautiful sun rise over this strange place, the subliminal moment mocking our human absurdity. I feel satisfied in having obtained all the evening has to give and bid my companions adieu,
“Well it’s been real guys, thanks for the memories.”
I’ve noted that Abby is keen to stay on the hill and go full Calypso with this guy because in her opinion, I find out later, his ass makes up for his personality. It’ certainly a good point.
I’m now faced with the hike down the hill and back to the farm where I’m staying. To free up my hands for the climb, I wear my bra across my back, quietly applauding myself on my drunken hiking capabilities.
As I’m walking along the only road on the island, all the farmers have begun their day’s work and I have to reciprocate their friendly yells of “Kalimera” across fields and herds of livestock as I experience the weirdest walk of shame ever. Fittingly, I get stuck in goat traffic moments later. I have to stand aside to let a herd of goats pass, driven by old Agapios who doesn’t speak a word of English but I’m sure I can hear him thinking what the actual fuck while we exchange an awkward “Yassou”. I stand on the road gracelessly waiting for the goats to pass and their dinka-donking bells clang while my red lace bra drips down my back and the night reaches its climax of hilarity.
 Kalimera- Greek for Good Morning
 Yassou- Greek for Hello